uuruaaagaggghhhh

exams

I'm torn on next year. what to do, what to do.

Morgan says:
I know for a fact they still fuck on the rag
morgen says:
...great.
suuper duuper
Morgan says:
that one was meant especially for you
morgen says:
thanks pal.
Morgan says:
np
so
that's THAT


MSN conversation dated Today; April 15, 2009

PONCH FREE IN 20032009

ok the past while I've been baking 24/7 so that's resulted in a massive increase in food intake and thus an increase in ponch. Oh my! I've seriously packed on the ponchage in the past while. It's also resulted in a creative outburst which has been really great.

this is pointless because I'm not doing anything about it until exams are over. siiiiigh

I was meant to live in 1976.

Man so much has changed in the past little while. It's like a noticeable shift in my consciousness has taken place. I like it. I also like this.

ok I should start channeling all this inspiration into a project, no?

myst

significant dreams
significant thinking
significant actions
significant feelings
significant responses

uuuugh I want to make collections that convey these moods

clothes are so much of me

mood 3

clouded glass dome
rusted metal frame
blue diffused light
down cushions and blankets
thick feather bed
silk pajamas
baby blue, soft purple, and ivory
bedtime stories
soft silky hair
pale skin
pink cheeks
wonder

mood 2

endless highway
disappearing horizon
dry desert air
sparse grass
sunglasses
sweat
mustang with no air conditioning
warm cola in a paper cup
audio tapes
long hair
bare feet
day dreams

mood 1

leather jackets
summer nights when the sun has just set
cigarettes
seven elevens
faded concert t-shirts
half drunk mickeys of cheap strong alcohol
dark purple, dust pink and black
pony boy
crickets chirping
high school baseball fields
double bubble
pay phones
tanned skin
1976
smoke
dusk

people

erin wasson
freja beha
diane von furstenberg
missy peregrym
natalie portman
hayden christensen
robert pattinson
shia labeouf
kristen stewart
adriana lima
whitney port

movies

good will hunting
spirited away
the wackness
nick and noras infinite playlist
dazed and confused
labrynth
all harry potter movies
all the LOTR movies
igby goes down
dangerous lives of alter boys
life as a house
strike!
the notebook
skins seasons 1&2
10 things I hate about you
ferris bueller's day off

for so long I've wanted to be internet famous, but now I realize it's immaterial. Obviously, my output into this blog (for instance) is an array of stumbling words I hope make some sense to an outsider, but really what makes a blog (or whatever) interesting? Content. People like pictures. Pictures of things. People like people who make things.

I don't want to be a perpetual re-poster, so all I spew is words because of.. well, lazyness.

Let's do a mini-evaluation shall we?

Me. Now:

• too fat
  
• too unfocused
  
• too unmotivated
  

Me. The future:

• in shape
  
• focused
  
• motivated
  

I actually feel like I'm accomplishing 2 & 3, buuuut am still a little lax on 1. Basically, I need to excersize and stop eating crap (she says as casually sipping a beer on the couch).

I wish I was more... pushed. Not motivated (I'm working on that and it's coming) but actually felt PUSHED by some outside source to do it. I work better with pushing.

I should learn to push myself

the end of classes is less than two weeks away.

It feels loaded. I'm actually super pissed because I wanted to do so much shit this year and I've basically pissed it away. I'm at no better a position right now than I was at the end of last year.

Actually, I have worse hair.


ok ok I'm being over-dramatic a little. I did accomplish a few things since the end of last year. I got a reputable job, found a steady place to live, and fucked three more people. But... just... UGH!!!! What part of me is adverse to accomplishment?? I AM SO CAPABLE! Maybe I need some counseling on this because I'm actually so, so fed up of my current lazy fat bitch lifestyle.















enough of that. I know enough about the mechanics of change to know that focusing on the negative is only detrimental to my cause. So disregarding all that, I now have an entire summer to devote to betterment. The summer of betterment. I like that.
First thing I'm going to do is buy a *new* journal, because this is pretty much a new chapter of my life. Then I'm going to fill the beginning of that journal with every thing, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignifigant, that I want to accomplish within the year. It'll be sort of like a vision-notebook, to begin with. THEN I'm going to document all the beautiful, wondrous, nurturing activities I accomplish throughout said year.

perfect. Already my head is swimming with the things I'm going to do :)

To view objective is to be God. In order to see all things, one must be free of emotions clouding vision. This is to be free of judgement, a necessarily human emotion.

How can God be good when the very definition of Him involves the absence of categorization? God Is. He is the only entity without opposite. Therefore- the Devil can only exist if he is equal to God.

I'm half drunk nearly dead
eyes red and swollen

it's time for bed

Caste

eagles
beat the air just to see it swim

envious of the fish they eat

untitled.

I had you once. Once in the soft wilderness of bedrooms
made gentle through breath
where you and I became, again and again, whole.

I remember you one hundred times.

An unadressed love letter

I hardly see you.


It’s times like these when I hate the term selfish
I recognize it when I see myself every morning
when the possibility of you vanishes with my saltwater dreams
sipping away with the tide and the sand dries

At high noon the sand is hot and I’m languid
there’s so much to do. Always do. Never get done.
I’m listless. I don’t care about much.

Then the moon, yellow and pregnant, brings the water back
slowly, slowly, I fight it with castles
no, keep the water at bay, don’t touch it

dark and teeming with creatures. She comes.
holding your hand, she comes.

I’m lubricated, reminded of your temperature.
I forget so easily- I don’t think about much
but you whisper in my ear
no, no, build your castle here. Deep, where the current is small

Eagerly I work. With new plans I build pyramids instead of castles
but it’s too late when I realize
how shallow the water is where I sit.

and the pyramids slump into soft memories now exposed to the rough of day
I forget why they’re there
I forget all but myself.
cracked and taught, covered in dried salt.

still, I try to see you. For I hate the word selfish and I try to see you.
But I haven’t seen the depths of the dark to know what they resemble.
Now that I am cracked salt, and you,
oh, you.
You are deliquescent.
if you were to find me, still, I don’t think I’d see you
until my eyes adjusted to your velvet and my hands softened from your oil

you’d show me that place in the ocean where the current is small
and I can swim in the daylight

you’d show me that selfishness is a term invented
to keep us from realizing ourselves
I won’t tell you I already found her in you.

In the darkness lies phosphorescence.

brilliance.

contemplative. That's how I have been lately.

I feel like this should be a place where only genius words are written, but it seems that I would have to be an actual genius for that to take place.

I want to create instantly beautiful pieces of work, but it always seems like I get there on the third try. First is to completely stumble through it, second to work out the kinks, and third to master it. Perhaps that's why they say, "third time's a charm".

Things I'm working on right now:

• an essay on society, technology, ethics, and civil engineers. How they're all related and effect one another.
  
• bathing suits for the summertime (come now please and thank you)
  
• organizing a summer roadtrip to san francisco
  
• keeping up to speed in all my classes, and somewhat doing my assignments
  
• doing things when I say I'm going to do them
  
• becoming a better person
  
• not focusing on boys as much as I have been, yet keeping some semblance of a sex life
  
• being brilliant
  

truly, all I want in life is to be brilliant. BRILLIANT! the word perfectly summarizes my ideal self.

I'm left wondering when I start my 'actual' life. Does anyone else feel like they're in a constant state of waiting for the good part to begin? When exactly is it going to start? Tomorrow? Next year? Never...? I guess I have to look at what's in my 'actual' life, which is all too familiar to me. Since I seem into lists today, let's start another.

Attributes of my 'actual' life:

• big, open, gorgeous, clean, perfect home
  
• fulfilling, motivating, rewarding, high paying, perfect job
  
• excess time
  
• art everywhere, and time to make all of it myself
  
• an abundance of positive people
  
• inner peace
  

It's interesting, and I've noted this before, that the one criteria that I feel defines this life is the house. My space. Right now, my space accuratley defines my life. A small basement apartment with limited natural light and obviously decorated by students. Read: limited budget, limited need for space, limited extravagence. I'm not saying I'm interested in extreme extravagence, but I want a reflective space.

ugh, this ramble has already been stated.

What I'm getting at is something I've already realized. This 'actual' life doesn't have a initiation date. It doesn't begin when I graduate, nor when I'm middle aged, nor when I win the lottery. My 'actual' life begins when I start it. I am the only person with the power to begin living this life, and I need to take it, now. If not now, then set a date and promise to start on that date.

The first thing I'm going to do is finish that essay.

Birthday

It's my birthday

and I have pneumonia.

I've been sick for abooout 12 days, which was why I stopped doing the cleanse after only completing 5 days. It was not helping me build my immune system.

and now I have pneumonia. on my birthday. not fair :(

day 4; optimism

Although I'm not at the point where I feel great (sickness is still reeking havoc on my body) I am feeling improved from yesterday. And an improvement is always an improvement, right?

right.

Notes:
eat moAr, silly girl
throat sore but muscles greatly improved. My biceps actually feel functional again.
don't feel much skinnier... but I guess it's been only 4 days. Boo.

oh ya and it was the first day of class for this semester. It's weird how I'm actually looking forward to this year quite a bit. Weird meaning good.

most incoherent post ever. Where has my literary genius gone?

check in before bed

THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I REGRET STARTING THIS! HOOOOLY SHIT I FEEL LIKE ASS WRAPPED IN CELLOPHANE WHICH HAS BEEN LEFT OUT ON A BLISTERING HOT SATURDAY AFTERNOON!

NOOOOT GOOD!

even my organs are protesting.
the thing is
everytime I say aloud this is not good, a little voice continues to tell me it really is good.

Great. Thanks.
I guess I'll persevere.

detox; day 3

BLAAAAARRRRRG

I feel sick and I'm unsure if it's because of the cleanse or an actual sickness. Thing is, I felt somewhat sniffly and cold-ish before I even started so I think it's a combination.

Thoughts on the d-tox:
1) oh my god I want creamy delicious substances. Yesterday I craved dough. Today I crave dairy. All the time I crave sugar.
2) After eating healthy for two days my skin is acting up. This doesn't surprise me as I've had issues surrounding dry skin and weird rashy things popping up from time to time, and the box said that skin conditions may worsen at first before getting better. It's nothing bad or even terribly noticable, just a nuisance.
3) My body aches. The kind where my muscles feel like they belong to an 80 year old.
4) Mentally speaking, I'm doubting the effectiveness of this program just by how shittttttty I feel right now. I've read all the reviews saying that this initial crap fest will pass but UGH! pass now. And I have class tomorrow.

Maybe class will be good for me. Get me out there, doing something. I have to make food now to bring to school. I guess I could eat sushi... well... not really. They put sugar in sushi rice (delicious delicious sushi rice) so that's a no-no. I do really want some raw tuna though. Mmmm sashimi.

Seriously though. My biceps are like crazy sore from carrying groceries home yesterday. What??!? I used to be an elite athlete thank you very much! Now this? I attribute it to the cleanse. My mom (the beakon of all reasoning) said that all my muscles are probably inflamed and I should take ibuprofen but we have none in the house.

to sum everything up: BLLLLARRRGGG

detox; day 1

I successfully completed day one of the wild rose herbal d-tox without any major issues. I've read reviews where many people get violently ill during the first few days but I only feel the remnants of a cold I picked up from a friend still lingering in my body. Well, that and some minor body aches attributed to both drinking and lifting heavy objects. Silly me.

I'm actually slightly disappointed with the lack of result thus far. I was expecting to feel more of an obvious change in my body but perhaps that will occur over the next few days, or perhaps not. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see.

So far, all I feel is slightly hungry and want all the delicious and terrible foods I won't be eating the next while. Things like... well a doughy, yeasty, sugary treat would be good.

Oh dear, I'm totally dependent on that type of food.

Not for loooong

just a thought

ok ok ok I know this is an overload of posts in one day...

... but since when are 16 year olds so innovative?

Resolutions

- spend more time off the computer
*every time I want to go on facebook or the computer for fruitless reasons I resolve to make a piece of art instead

- make more art
*see above

- excersize more
*have a set time for excersize 7 days of the week and then make it to 5 or better yet 6 of those appointed times

- love more
*I feel like I love a lot already, but there is never too much love. Wherever you can make the room, love more.

- take better care of myself
*Get your haircut when you need to. Cut your toenails and paint them. Take it off when it's chipped. Small things like that.

- become more accountable to myself
*Do everything I tell myself I'm going to do

- make my commitments more important than my commitments to other people
*Make my commitments the number one priority in the list of things I say I'm going to do

- excersize more
*ya seriously. everything else should just fall into place

- do better in school
*Study, DO ASSIGNMENTS! Go to every class!

- be happier
*byproduct of all these excellent resolutions

- go to the doctor and dentist when I need to

- follow (FOLLOW IT) an organized and dope schedule
*make a dope schedule, then understand the necessity of it being a priority (!!) as a commitment

- run, run, run
*sign up for a mini marathon way in advance and then train train train

Happy New Year

So this is it, right? The time I've been hyping up to start the transformation into the heightened being I aim to be?

Ya, I guess it is!

Here's the steps I've taken thus fur to secure my 'best year ever':
1) ran in the new year with friends I adore and unstoppable dance beats
2) bought the wild rose herbal d-tox kit/plan which I will start tomorrow*
*to elaborate... it's basically a pretty intense 12 day d-tox where you eliminate sugar, flour, and yeast from your diet along with taking these herbal supplements meant to rid your body of toxins and built up shit. Just the program in a nutshell. I think I'll be feeling pretty sick for a few days and am looking forward to it whole hartedly. Actually!
3) Wrote an extensive resolution list (will post later)
4) Am in the process of cleaning my place from head to toe, more or less.

Also, I realized how utterly miserable I feel after a night of drinking and dancing. They do not go hand in hand as I seem to think they do every time I drink. This morning I woke up with the stiffest neck possible (which still hasn't recovered) and a sore throat. Walking around in the snow looking for a cab in only a dress, sparkly tights and flats didn't help either, I'm sure.

aaaaah so this year I'm going to poison my body less and strengthen my body more.

goals and action plans to follow.