the end of classes is less than two weeks away.
It feels loaded. I'm actually super pissed because I wanted to do so much shit this year and I've basically pissed it away. I'm at no better a position right now than I was at the end of last year.
Actually, I have worse hair.
ok ok I'm being over-dramatic a little. I did accomplish a few things since the end of last year. I got a reputable job, found a steady place to live, and fucked three more people. But... just... UGH!!!! What part of me is adverse to accomplishment?? I AM SO CAPABLE! Maybe I need some counseling on this because I'm actually so, so fed up of my current lazy fat bitch lifestyle.
enough of that. I know enough about the mechanics of change to know that focusing on the negative is only detrimental to my cause. So disregarding all that, I now have an entire summer to devote to betterment. The summer of betterment. I like that.
First thing I'm going to do is buy a *new* journal, because this is pretty much a new chapter of my life. Then I'm going to fill the beginning of that journal with every thing, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignifigant, that I want to accomplish within the year. It'll be sort of like a vision-notebook, to begin with. THEN I'm going to document all the beautiful, wondrous, nurturing activities I accomplish throughout said year.
perfect. Already my head is swimming with the things I'm going to do :)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
To view objective is to be God. In order to see all things, one must be free of emotions clouding vision. This is to be free of judgement, a necessarily human emotion.
How can God be good when the very definition of Him involves the absence of categorization? God Is. He is the only entity without opposite. Therefore- the Devil can only exist if he is equal to God.
How can God be good when the very definition of Him involves the absence of categorization? God Is. He is the only entity without opposite. Therefore- the Devil can only exist if he is equal to God.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
untitled.
I had you once. Once in the soft wilderness of bedrooms
made gentle through breath
where you and I became, again and again, whole.
I remember you one hundred times.
made gentle through breath
where you and I became, again and again, whole.
I remember you one hundred times.
An unadressed love letter
I hardly see you.
It’s times like these when I hate the term selfish
I recognize it when I see myself every morning
when the possibility of you vanishes with my saltwater dreams
sipping away with the tide and the sand dries
At high noon the sand is hot and I’m languid
there’s so much to do. Always do. Never get done.
I’m listless. I don’t care about much.
Then the moon, yellow and pregnant, brings the water back
slowly, slowly, I fight it with castles
no, keep the water at bay, don’t touch it
dark and teeming with creatures. She comes.
holding your hand, she comes.
I’m lubricated, reminded of your temperature.
I forget so easily- I don’t think about much
but you whisper in my ear
no, no, build your castle here. Deep, where the current is small
Eagerly I work. With new plans I build pyramids instead of castles
but it’s too late when I realize
how shallow the water is where I sit.
and the pyramids slump into soft memories now exposed to the rough of day
I forget why they’re there
I forget all but myself.
cracked and taught, covered in dried salt.
still, I try to see you. For I hate the word selfish and I try to see you.
But I haven’t seen the depths of the dark to know what they resemble.
Now that I am cracked salt, and you,
oh, you.
You are deliquescent.
if you were to find me, still, I don’t think I’d see you
until my eyes adjusted to your velvet and my hands softened from your oil
you’d show me that place in the ocean where the current is small
and I can swim in the daylight
you’d show me that selfishness is a term invented
to keep us from realizing ourselves
I won’t tell you I already found her in you.
In the darkness lies phosphorescence.
It’s times like these when I hate the term selfish
I recognize it when I see myself every morning
when the possibility of you vanishes with my saltwater dreams
sipping away with the tide and the sand dries
At high noon the sand is hot and I’m languid
there’s so much to do. Always do. Never get done.
I’m listless. I don’t care about much.
Then the moon, yellow and pregnant, brings the water back
slowly, slowly, I fight it with castles
no, keep the water at bay, don’t touch it
dark and teeming with creatures. She comes.
holding your hand, she comes.
I’m lubricated, reminded of your temperature.
I forget so easily- I don’t think about much
but you whisper in my ear
no, no, build your castle here. Deep, where the current is small
Eagerly I work. With new plans I build pyramids instead of castles
but it’s too late when I realize
how shallow the water is where I sit.
and the pyramids slump into soft memories now exposed to the rough of day
I forget why they’re there
I forget all but myself.
cracked and taught, covered in dried salt.
still, I try to see you. For I hate the word selfish and I try to see you.
But I haven’t seen the depths of the dark to know what they resemble.
Now that I am cracked salt, and you,
oh, you.
You are deliquescent.
if you were to find me, still, I don’t think I’d see you
until my eyes adjusted to your velvet and my hands softened from your oil
you’d show me that place in the ocean where the current is small
and I can swim in the daylight
you’d show me that selfishness is a term invented
to keep us from realizing ourselves
I won’t tell you I already found her in you.
In the darkness lies phosphorescence.
Friday, March 6, 2009
brilliance.
contemplative. That's how I have been lately.
I feel like this should be a place where only genius words are written, but it seems that I would have to be an actual genius for that to take place.
I want to create instantly beautiful pieces of work, but it always seems like I get there on the third try. First is to completely stumble through it, second to work out the kinks, and third to master it. Perhaps that's why they say, "third time's a charm".
Things I'm working on right now:
truly, all I want in life is to be brilliant. BRILLIANT! the word perfectly summarizes my ideal self.
I'm left wondering when I start my 'actual' life. Does anyone else feel like they're in a constant state of waiting for the good part to begin? When exactly is it going to start? Tomorrow? Next year? Never...? I guess I have to look at what's in my 'actual' life, which is all too familiar to me. Since I seem into lists today, let's start another.
Attributes of my 'actual' life:
It's interesting, and I've noted this before, that the one criteria that I feel defines this life is the house. My space. Right now, my space accuratley defines my life. A small basement apartment with limited natural light and obviously decorated by students. Read: limited budget, limited need for space, limited extravagence. I'm not saying I'm interested in extreme extravagence, but I want a reflective space.
ugh, this ramble has already been stated.
What I'm getting at is something I've already realized. This 'actual' life doesn't have a initiation date. It doesn't begin when I graduate, nor when I'm middle aged, nor when I win the lottery. My 'actual' life begins when I start it. I am the only person with the power to begin living this life, and I need to take it, now. If not now, then set a date and promise to start on that date.
The first thing I'm going to do is finish that essay.
I feel like this should be a place where only genius words are written, but it seems that I would have to be an actual genius for that to take place.
I want to create instantly beautiful pieces of work, but it always seems like I get there on the third try. First is to completely stumble through it, second to work out the kinks, and third to master it. Perhaps that's why they say, "third time's a charm".
Things I'm working on right now:
- an essay on society, technology, ethics, and civil engineers. How they're all related and effect one another.
- bathing suits for the summertime (come now please and thank you)
- organizing a summer roadtrip to san francisco
- keeping up to speed in all my classes, and somewhat doing my assignments
- doing things when I say I'm going to do them
- becoming a better person
- not focusing on boys as much as I have been, yet keeping some semblance of a sex life
- being brilliant
truly, all I want in life is to be brilliant. BRILLIANT! the word perfectly summarizes my ideal self.
I'm left wondering when I start my 'actual' life. Does anyone else feel like they're in a constant state of waiting for the good part to begin? When exactly is it going to start? Tomorrow? Next year? Never...? I guess I have to look at what's in my 'actual' life, which is all too familiar to me. Since I seem into lists today, let's start another.
Attributes of my 'actual' life:
- big, open, gorgeous, clean, perfect home
- fulfilling, motivating, rewarding, high paying, perfect job
- excess time
- art everywhere, and time to make all of it myself
- an abundance of positive people
- inner peace
It's interesting, and I've noted this before, that the one criteria that I feel defines this life is the house. My space. Right now, my space accuratley defines my life. A small basement apartment with limited natural light and obviously decorated by students. Read: limited budget, limited need for space, limited extravagence. I'm not saying I'm interested in extreme extravagence, but I want a reflective space.
ugh, this ramble has already been stated.
What I'm getting at is something I've already realized. This 'actual' life doesn't have a initiation date. It doesn't begin when I graduate, nor when I'm middle aged, nor when I win the lottery. My 'actual' life begins when I start it. I am the only person with the power to begin living this life, and I need to take it, now. If not now, then set a date and promise to start on that date.
The first thing I'm going to do is finish that essay.
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