brilliance.

contemplative. That's how I have been lately.

I feel like this should be a place where only genius words are written, but it seems that I would have to be an actual genius for that to take place.

I want to create instantly beautiful pieces of work, but it always seems like I get there on the third try. First is to completely stumble through it, second to work out the kinks, and third to master it. Perhaps that's why they say, "third time's a charm".

Things I'm working on right now:

• an essay on society, technology, ethics, and civil engineers. How they're all related and effect one another.
  
• bathing suits for the summertime (come now please and thank you)
  
• organizing a summer roadtrip to san francisco
  
• keeping up to speed in all my classes, and somewhat doing my assignments
  
• doing things when I say I'm going to do them
  
• becoming a better person
  
• not focusing on boys as much as I have been, yet keeping some semblance of a sex life
  
• being brilliant
  

truly, all I want in life is to be brilliant. BRILLIANT! the word perfectly summarizes my ideal self.

I'm left wondering when I start my 'actual' life. Does anyone else feel like they're in a constant state of waiting for the good part to begin? When exactly is it going to start? Tomorrow? Next year? Never...? I guess I have to look at what's in my 'actual' life, which is all too familiar to me. Since I seem into lists today, let's start another.

Attributes of my 'actual' life:

• big, open, gorgeous, clean, perfect home
  
• fulfilling, motivating, rewarding, high paying, perfect job
  
• excess time
  
• art everywhere, and time to make all of it myself
  
• an abundance of positive people
  
• inner peace
  

It's interesting, and I've noted this before, that the one criteria that I feel defines this life is the house. My space. Right now, my space accuratley defines my life. A small basement apartment with limited natural light and obviously decorated by students. Read: limited budget, limited need for space, limited extravagence. I'm not saying I'm interested in extreme extravagence, but I want a reflective space.

ugh, this ramble has already been stated.

What I'm getting at is something I've already realized. This 'actual' life doesn't have a initiation date. It doesn't begin when I graduate, nor when I'm middle aged, nor when I win the lottery. My 'actual' life begins when I start it. I am the only person with the power to begin living this life, and I need to take it, now. If not now, then set a date and promise to start on that date.

The first thing I'm going to do is finish that essay.